This post should help you feel much better about yourself and your life.
You are not this woman
This is not your room
You will never have to learn this lesson the hard way
You didn't just...
spill milk all over your goddamn self
Never again
Also never again
You will never know what it's like to get your head stuck in a clothes hanger
You do not eat up to 2 pounds of rock a day
Therefore you will never look like this:
You didn't just fuck up a game of Jenga
You will never be a Kardashian
You will never read this book
You do not have a Korn tramp stamp
Or a giant tattoo of Adam Duritz on your back
No one will ever force you to dress up in a stupid duck costume
Your first kiss wasn't broadcasted on national television
You will never be on Judge Judy for throwing a pinecone at someone
You will never see this many raccoons together at once
You will never protest a fish fry
You are not the random little brother left out of your older brothers' extremely successful boyband
You've never been photographed breaking a swing
You know Beyonce and Jay-Z are married, so this will never happen to you
You also know how to spell ambiance
You will never get Polio
Your best friend is not a tuba
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on
You are not this old lady posing in a pool with her clothes on
You are not this old lady posing in THE OCEAN with her clothes on
This is also not you
Not you
Not you
Not you
Not you
Not you
Not you
Lastly, be grateful that someone didn't take an extremely unflattering picture of you sleeping and post it all over the internet
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