Salads.
Earlier you were all “LEAVE, leaves!” and now you’re all “I can’t beLEAVE how good this is!”
Naps.
It used to feel like torture when you were made to nap. Now it’s torture to ever not be napping.
Your siblings.
The same idiots that you argued with day in and day out actually turned out to be decent human beings. Weird.
The news.
You actually developed an interest in staying informed and shit. Who would’ve thunk?
Finishing your vegetables.
Turns out broccoli is kinda delicious. CHILDHOOD’S BEST KEPT SECRET.
Haircuts.
Remember when having someone brandish scissors at your head was your worst nightmare? Now split-ends are.
Documentaries.
UGH INFORMATION? THE WORST. Jk please tell me more about global warming and sushi chefs.
The taste of alcohol.
I know, I know. You stuck your finger in dad’s beer to see what it tasted like and you regretted it immediately. First impressions are the worst impressions.
Long car rides.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? SHUT UP. You get to chill by a window, watching the world go by, with no responsibilities whatsoever. Put on some Simon & Garfunkel, kid. Revel in the peacefulness.
The opposite sex.
At some point “ewwwww boys” turned into “wow, both sexes come with an equal number of merits and demerits and I suppose I should treat them as equals!”
Being seen with your parents.
Did they get less embarrassing, or did you get less cool?
Spice.
BRING ON THE FLAMIN’ HOT CHEETOS.
Being banished to your room.
Being grounded = being forced to lie in bed and watch Netflix without pants on. Please ground me indefinitely.
Family vacations.
Mom and dad pay for everything while your sole responsibility is to relax. WHY DID YOU EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS. WHY.
Sugarless cereal.
“Mmmmmmmm cornflakes,” said no child ever.
Receiving practical and useful gifts.
Toys? Coloring books? What the heck am I supposed to do with those? GIVE ME A GOD DAMN SWIFFER. GIVE ME SOME HAND SOAP REFILLS.
Personal hygiene.
“Gross” used to refer to the experience of washing your face. Now, “gross” is forehead grease and acne. Face-washing FTW!
Bedtime.
Seriously, how early is too early?
Dark chocolate.
Um, if by “too bitter!” you mean “TOO DELICIOUS,” then yes, children, it’s too bitter.
Classical and jazz music.
What’s not to love?
Talking about your day.
“How was school?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do?”
“Nothing.”
“Why don’t you wanna talk about your day?”
“Because I’m an idiot child that doesn’t know what’s good for me.”
Going to school.
Put some stencils in my backpack and ship me off, homie.
Shopping with your parents.
Okay, kids. Shopping with your parents = FREE. THINGS. You don’t say no to FREE THINGS.
Layering.
Remember when more than a single coat made you basically immobile? Now that my center of gravity has figured itself out, give me all the scarves in the world!
Being left alone.
No polite conversation, no pants, no rules. Why did we ever complain about this?
Sitting still.
Put me in an armchair and watch me fall asleep, surrounded by my grown-upness.
Being mistaken for younger than you are.
You, like ten years ago: “I’m a god damn adult, I’m so old, etc. etc.!”
You now: “You wanna check my I.D.? Why, thank you, that’s so sweet! Really, thanks!”
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