These bizarre toys are a little frightening and do not look pleasurable at all.
Dr. Macaura’s Pulsocon Blood Circulator (circa 1880–1920)
According to the Antique Vibrator Museum, this device had “a strong vibration and a sound like a ratchet.” You know, to help you get in the mood.
The Detwiller Pneumatic Vibrator (1906)
This looks more like turn-of-the-century dental equipment than something designed for pleasure.
The Arnold Massage Vibrator (1909)
According to the Vintage Vibrator Museum, author Mark Twain owned an Arnold; we’re still not convinced.
The Infra-Red Heat Massager
“Scientifically designed small to reach the small crevices and contours of the face and body.” Um, infrared heat on your small crevices sounds like a BAD idea.
The Polar Club Electric Vibrator (1928)
It’s impossible to imagine this electric vibrator being at all quiet or discreet. Or feeling good.
The Rolling Pin Heat Massager (1932)
A heat massage sounds nice in theory, but do you really want to poke yourself with a hot rolling pin?
The Oster Stim-U-Lax for Barbers (1948)
This intimidating strap-to-your-hand model had “forceful vibrations” and a “large, strong motor.”
The Stim-U-Lax Junior
If the original Stim-U-Lax is too much for you, you could try the smaller model, which is…equally upsetting.
The Vibrosage (1933)
This little guy is kind of adorable…until you look at the spiked attachment.
The Handy Hannah (1950)
Clearly designed to make your labia frown.
The Niagra Hand Unit (1965–1976)
Just in case you were unsure, the pointed end goes UP. (The good news? The Niagra had the Good Housekeeping stamp of approval.)
The Wahl Hand-E Vibrator (1957)
While the Hand-E vibrator was the predecessor to some modern vibrators, it’s still a little foreboding.
The Spot Reducer (1950s)
Like many early vibrators, the Spot Reducer claimed to help users lose weight. It also featured a vibrating rubber suction cup.
The Hollywood Vibra-Tone (1940s)
Another model that promised weight loss (and nightmares).
The Chic Electric Vibrator (1910)
There’s absolutely nothing chic about this.
The Vibra-King Activator (1922)
The Prelude 3 (1976)
We can’t get on board with a vibrator that has the color and overall vibe of orthopedic shoes.
The Massage Master VII (1928)
The Eskimo 750 (1949)
Don’t you just want to get cozy with this on a cold winter’s night? *cries*