Self-Stirring Coffee Mug
Because who has the time and energy to actually stir their own coffee — especially before they’ve had their first cup of coffee?
Want to go from flab to fab in just minutes? This contraption fits under your clothes and does something that’s entirely unclear. Probably nothing, actually.
But if that’s not enough to convince you, pseduo-athletes claim, “chicks dig it.”
Is sitting up to read or watch TV too much work for you? The Prism Glasses turn your view to a downward 90 degree angle, eliminating the need for head movement.
iPad Toilet Paper Holder
So, it’s come to this. If you can’t unglue yourself from your iPad for the time it takes to do your bathroom business, now you can swipe with one hand and wipe with the other.
Have you ever had to take 2 seconds to slice a banana and thought, “There has to be a better way?”
Toilet Paper Extender
While I’m sure this has a practical purpose for people with legitimate limited mobility, there is also another solution — just keep the toilet paper next to the toilet.
Laser Cat Toy
So now instead of sitting on the couch pointing a laser around the room for your cat, you can set this on a timer and use both your hands for something much more important, I’m sure.
Because balling up snow in your hands is way more complicated than stuffing it into a plastic contraption, extracting it, and then flinging the snowball at someone.
Instead of bending over all the way to the ground to pick up your dog’s “deposits” with a plastic bag, now you can save yourself those four inches of exertion and bend over all the way to their rump to remove the plastic bag.
Hand Held Portable Toaster
Apparently, all you need to do is run it over your bread just like a huge butter knife, and it will toast that particular side of the bread.
Kind of like a toaster, but with the increased risk of burning your hand in the process.
TV Remote and Bottle Opener
Now you can crack open a beer and control up to nine devices without ever leaving the couch — unless one of those devices is exertion.
This is an actual metal fork, but “it discretely stretches up to 21-inches long for easy meal tasting across the table.” Right.
They should give these to others at the table to stab you with if you steal food off of their plates.
Dust Mop Slippers
Now you can walk around your house and clean at the same time! Except you still have to clean up what you mop, which could be done by using a mop while your walk around.
But they do “go where mops can’t go!” You know, like on your feet.
Twirling Spaghetti Fork
I generally try to avoid silverware that requires batteries (and has the potential to maim my tongue or get caught up in my hair) but hey! To each their own.
And in this edition of, “I seriously hope people only buy these as gag gifts,” I present the Silly Socks Sandals Socks. I think the name says it all.
Motorized Ice Cream Cone
No more licking around the edges of a dripping cone? But that race to beat the melting ice cream is always part of the fun!
Electric Motorized Shoes
Is putting one foot in front of the other too hard for you? Does the thought of actually walking wear you out? If you have $650 to spare, this product is made just for you.
On second thought, send me $650 and I’ll push you around in a wagon instead.
Hair Dryer Stand
Because using your arms to lift that heavy machinery is entirely too much work.
Chocolate Milk Mixer
When you want chocolate milk, who has time to actually mix it up with a spoon?
People who are willing to pay $14 for a battery-powered “whirling vortex of power” that is also “safe for small heifers and hungry calves,” which is mildly disturbing.
Inflatable Pillow Tie
“This astonishing technological breakthrough is by far the most innovative advancement in history. What appears to be a very high quality, normal, silk tie is actually a very high quality, Pillow-Tie.
All you need to do is pop out a small valve on the backside of the tie, blow, and voila! Your Pillow awaits.”
Say hello to the “Popinator” — the world’s first fully-automated, voice-activated popcorn shooter triggered by the word “pop.”
Automatic Dog Ball Thrower
Perfect for people who love their dog and know their dog needs exercise, but that don’t really want to throw an actual ball in order to give the dog their exercise.
Electric Spin the Bottle Game
Great. Now hormonal teens hiding out together in a dark basement won’t have to actually exert energy by spinning a bottle and can, instead, delight in the light show and sound effects this bottle emits when spun.
Sauce Dispensing Chopsticks
Who has the time and energy to dip their sushi in the sauce?
Fill these chopsticks with your sauces of choice, give them a squeeze, and you’ll be good to go.
Never again will you have to dispense hot liquid into a cup. The only work is refilling the pot.
Ugh…do you have to do everything around there?