Sex Records You'll Never Beat In A Thousand Years

Horst Schultz once shot his load 18 ft. 9 in. He also holds the record for highest (12 ft. 4 in.) and for fastest ejaculate speed (42.7 mph). Stan Lee cited him as one of his biggest inspirations for Spiderman.

Believe it or not, the youngest person to ever give birth, was a 5-year-old girl named Lina Medina. She began menstruating at 3-years-old. She never revealed who the father was, even after her own father was arrested and imprisoned.

Doctors William Hartman and Marilyn Fithian recorded a woman having 134 orgasms in one hour. I’ve never gotten that picture back either. The most for a man was 16.

A 1966 Masters and Johnson study recorded a woman having a 43-second long orgasm consisting of at least 25 contractions. Even crazier, she knew exactly what she wanted for dinner that night.

Maoni Vi of Cape Town South Africa had pubic hair measured at 28 inches. You could set down a C-130 on that landing strip.

Tatiata Kozhevnikova, of Russia has the strongest vagina on record. To attain the record, she lifted almost 31 pounds.

In 2004, “Lisa Sparxxx” set the world on fire by taking 919 dicks in one day.

In 2009, forever alone Masanobu Sato beat his meat for 9 hours and 58 minutes straight. What, two more minutes would have killed you?

No, this isn’t a “everything is a dildo if you’re brave enough” joke. The act of blowing air into your partner’s vagina (this is a sex technique?!) can cause a pulmonary embolism and sudden death. So, there is such thing as a bad blow job…

Ol’ King Menephta, the dastardly dick chopper himself, was indirectly responsible for the severing of over 13,000 wangs. After defeating the Libyans in battle, he ordered each of his men to remove the manhood from an enemy. He’s even got a monument that properly attributed each dick to its rightful owner.

Jonah Falcon, Mr. Steal Yo Girl, has the largest erect penis ever measured at 13.5 inches.

Anna Swan (1846-1888) had the largest vagina ever measured with a circumference of 19 inches. Tell your mom she has competition.

Oh Japan, you so crazy. We’re over here counting Olympic medals and World War victories, meanwhile you’re busy planning and executing the world’s biggest orgy, with 250 couples. According to “scientists,” at least 4 women were properly satisfied that day—also a new record.

Otherwise known as the human fuck centipede, this is a line of people conjoined by genitals pumping along together. In 14-37 AD, Roman Emperor and sexual deviant Tiberius organized one such chain at least 30 people long.

I’m pretty sure this accolade belongs to every guy who got the awkward boner right before being asked to stand in front of the class, the desk raiser, but according to the record books, it actually belongs to Mo Ka Wang (yes, that’s his real name), who lifted 250 pounds with his penis in 1995.

Japanese porn star Shigeo Tokuda, born in 1934, didn’t even start doing porn until he’d already retired from his day job. Since retiring to Pornsville, Tokuda has starred in more than 250 XXX films.

An unnamed man put down a $3.8 million bid to take Natalie Dylan’s virginity. Still cheaper than marriage.

Daniel Gluck, the owner of the Museum of Sex, is also the owner of the world’s largest porn collection. When he bought the collection from Ralph Whittington, it consisted of over 500 boxes sticky with photos, films, magazines and knick-knacks. He had to move his bed out of his mother’s basement and sleep on the washing machine to make room for it all.