Whoever Daniel #2 is:

1

…so you can learn all about what being cool REALLY means.

Whoever this mascot is:

2

…so you can teach them that rollerblades are never a good idea.

Whoever ordered this pizza:

3

…so you can find out if the “none pizza with left beef” is really all it’s cracked up to be.

Whoever this guy is:

4

…so you can find out some great head-mustache waxing tips.

Whoever lives in this town:

5

…so you can be their new roommate.

Whoever this guy eating cotton candy is:

6

…so you can ask what sort of dark arts he needed to perform to make this happen.

Whoever… whatever… this thing is:

7

…so you could discover a new species.

Whoever Mr. Noodle’s worst nightmare is:

8

…so you could help him find his damn hands.

Whoever has this license plate:

9

…so you can find out what exactly Nevada has in common with Australia.

The Breadstick Bandit:

10

…so you can give her a great deal on soups.

Whoever this guy is:

11

…so you can get him to write the lyrics to your next album.

Whoever this kid is:

12

…so you can teach him how to take a proper yearbook photo.

Whoever this number one fan is:

13

…so you can learn from his wiggling ways.

Whoever David Davis is:

14

…so you can find out if he ever went back to get the job done.

Whoever taught this girl in High School:

15

…so you can lock them away for life.

Whoever the pug shirt selfie guy is:

16

…so you can ask him how to master the mirror shot.

Whoever this lady is:

17

…so you can ask her what her expression REALLY meant.

Whoever is letting this lady remodel their house.

18

…so you can politely inform them that holes in walls are so 2009.

Whoever this waffle loving hockey player is:

19

…so you can find out if he’s a Vermont syrup only kind of guy.

Whoever drew this picture of Rihanna:

20

…so you can get this work of art put in a museum.

Whoever this kid is:

21

…so you can call his damn parents.

Whoever came up with this brilliant costume for their dog:

22

…so you can write them in for the Presidential election.

Whoever went to a bowling tournament with this sign:

23

…so you can thank them for ushering in a whole new era of bowling.

Whoever wrote this review:

24

…so you can find out if he is still alive/running track for the United States olympic team.

Whoever paid a skywriter to write this:

25

…so you can find out if it actually was a joke.

The person behind “Cat Facts”:

26

…so you can give them a good, long hug for being a genius.

Whoever hit the damn JACKPOT:

27

…so you can have them buy lottery tickets for you.

Whoever named this printer:

28

…so you can have them name your child.

Whoever this horrible racist is:

29

…so you can give them a slap in the face.

Whoever this woman is:

30

…so you can invite her to your next party.

Whoever Richard Gray is:

31

…so you can study under he tutelage.

Whoever the X-Acto knife bandit is:

32

…so you can plan your next heist with them.

Whoever made their own picture their cellphone case:

33

…so you can have them decorate your home.

Whoever this little kid is:

34

…so you can give them the nobel prize.

Whoever did this:

35

…so you can ask them to come to Starbucks with you.

Whoever these parents are:

36

…so you can say you knew the parents of the future President of the United States before anyone else.

Whoever gave this girl a chicken burger:

37

…so you can find out if it was worth it (probably).

Whoever Diane Walker is:

38

…so you can find out if she recovered from reporting this harrowing tale.

And, of course, Nicolas Cage:

39

Come on. Were you really expecting a different ending?