My wife birthday’s coming up and she told me to get something that makes her look sexy.
Vodka it is.
I once knew a blacksmith who didnt like metal…
It was ironic.
My wife walks into the kitchen…
Me: it sure is muggy outside
Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I’m leaving you.
**Sips coffee out of bowl**
I work at Ben & Jerry’s, often late at night, but never get robbed.
Because ice cream.
My love life.
That’s it. That’s the joke.
I just came back from the doctor’s.
He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
“What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said “No fatty, don’t eat anything.”
A friend of mine had a pet boxer.
Unlike a dog, whenever the doorbell rang he walked over to the corner and sat down.
My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair
But I knew she’d come crawling back to me.
I always shave my beard after having sex.
This is so I can remind my wife of how long it’s been since the last time.
A pirate walks in to a bar…
And the bartender asks him;
-Excuse me sir, but is that a steering wheel in your pants?
-YAARRR, ’tis driving me nuts!
What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
An escaped lion.
What did the father say when the doctor charged $100 for his son to be circumcised?
What a rip-off.
Why do men usually die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Today, when my son asked, “Can I have a book mark?” I burst into tears…
He’s 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Dave.
Why can’t you trust an artist?
Because they’re sketchy, shady, and they’ll frame you.
What do you call eating ass on an airplane?
What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?
The woman. They always lie about their weight.
My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me…
Then plug me back in, see if that works.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association.
“Dad, look! I’m a 3D printer!”
“Chris, close the god damn door if you’re taking a shit”
Whys was the internet so obsessed with the song “Cotton-Eyed Joe” for a short period of time?
I mean, where did it come from where did it go?
My wife gets upset at me for hiding kitchen utensils.
But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
My son said, “Thanks for giving me tips on how to be less lazy.”
I said “It’s the least I could do.”
A boy scout says to his scout leader, “Sir, is this snake poisonous?”
The scout leader says, “No, that snake’s not poisonous at all.”
So the boy picks up the snake which bites him, and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror.
The scout leader says, “But that snake IS venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let’s get it right next time, boys.”
Opinions are like assholes
I wish my girlfriend cared about mine.
I can’t take taekwondo seriously..
I just do it for kicks.
“Well – Mrs. Smith, it would seem that you’re pregnant.”
“Sweet Jesus, that’s wonderful, I’m pregnant, Doctor?!”
“Oh not at all, but at first glance, it would certainly seem so. Here’s our weight loss brochure.”
What do you call a stoned dictionary?
I cried when dad cut up onions.
Onions was a good dog.
What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today.
Well, I’m assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A Flat Minor.