My local barber got arrested for selling cocaine. This surprised me, since I have been a customer of him for years now, and i’d never known…
…that he was a barber.
Nobody ever asks how Coca-Cola is doing.
It’s always “Is Pepsi okay?”
I spent a few hours by my wife’s grave today.
She thinks I’m digging a pond.
What’s the hardest part about drag racing?
Running in heels.
Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Doctor: Yes. That’s the main one.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
Doctor… there’s something wrong with my hearing!
Doc: “Describe the symptoms….”
Me: “Uh…Well Marge has blue hair….homer is fat…”
There are 27 bones in the human hand.
28 when I’m lonely.
“Diana!” I said, greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door.
She said, “My name’s Anna.”
I said, “Yeah, I know.”
My buddy asked me why I had a lion and a witch in my wardrobe.
I said “It’s Narnia business.”
What’s the singular of “Women’s Studies?”
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
I fondly remember our childhood when Dad used to roll us down the hill in a tire.
Those were the good years.
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. “We had sex education today dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!” I put down my newspaper, looked at her and said…
“Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.”
Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?
It’s illegal to drink and derive.
Dad washes his car with his son…
Son: Can’t you just use a sponge?
I called a Chinese restaurant…
the man answered with “Hello, I am Wan King the chef.”
I replied “It’s OK, I’ll call you later.”
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, “Do you have a name yet?” I replied proudly, “Yes, Steve!” She squealed, “Awww! That’s a lovely name!”
“Thanks!” I said. “But what do you think we should call the baby!?”
The police called to tell me that my wife was in the hospital.
“How is she?” I asked
“Very critical,” said the officer.
“The fuck is she complaining about now?”
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”
19 and 20 got in a fight
A woman who was married six times had just died.
During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say “I’m so glad they are finally together!”
The pastor replies “Which husband are you referring to?”
“None of them. I was talking about her legs.”
I was arrested for being awake too long.
The cops said i was resisting a rest.
Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
One says, “Does this taste funny?”.
The other says, “No”.
My wife shouted at me to go out and find her some tampons, quick!
So, I sprinted to the car, paced down the street, rushed into the store, frantically looking down each aisle until I finally got to the tampons, hurried back to my car and raced home as fast as I could! I burst in through the front door, ran up the stairs, slammed open the bathroom door and shouted, “Walmart, halfway down aisle 10, bottom shelf!”
I remember when my mum would tuck me in.
She really wanted a daughter.
What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?
Have you ever tried blind-folded archery?
You have no idea what you’re missing.
Shouldn’t Iron man be a woman?
After all, he is a Fe-Male.
What did the bread dough say to the lonely baker?
It’s nice to be kneaded.
I may be schizophrenic…
…but at least i have each other.
Doctor: You need to take this pills everyday for the rest of your life.
Me : But there’s only 3 pills doctor
Doctor : Exactly
The difference between high school and prison
is that no one wanted me in high school.
What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?
I accidentally let my cows graze in a patch of marijuana, and if anyone finds out I could lose everything.
The steaks have never been higher.