The word asparagus is funny.
It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking son’s disease that I have ever seen.
When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom.
Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.
What’s four inches long, two inches wide, and drives women crazy?
An empty toilet paper roll.
Is it wrong to hate an entire race?
I just think marathons are way too much running.
Terminator decided to stop killing and take up an honest job.
Now he’s an exterminator.
What’s the opposite of defeat?
One small step for man…
…one giant leap for midgets.
I’ve recently come into some money.
It was really awkward handing it to the cashier.
Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?
His career is in ruins.
What does a rude Frenchman and a ruthless Englishman have in common?
If you do not keep up repayments to your exorcist…
…your house may be repossessed.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both left handed…
On one hand it’s great, but on the other it’s just not right.
I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book…
She laughed at me, and said: “Oh you’re so old. Just use my phone.”
So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
Now I live in constant fear.
I don’t get why wife hates me for being a lazy ass.
It’s not like I did anything.
Yo momma’s so fat, that when she fell…
No one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
“But I don’t think the coffee maker wants to talk right now.”
Dad – “Hey look! He’s gonna say his first words!”
Son – “D-d-dad I’m 30 years old st-st-stop making fun of my stu-tu-tutter.”
What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..
“It’s heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope”, said Vladimir, aged 6.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”
He considered that for a moment before replying, “Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States.”
How much memory does it take to store a joke?
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he’s not a full essay yet.
Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones?
Man: That’d be lovely! & How did you know my name was phones?
I uploaded pictures of my butt to iCloud.
I like to back that ass up.
Husband: “Here’s a pill for your headache.”
Wife: “But I don’t have a headache.”
When I was 16, my pissed off dad said he was going to hop behind me all the way to the hospital.
I ask him why and he said to get his foot removed from my ass.
I got a prostate exam and the doctor said it’s normal to have an erection.
It was awkward trying to ignore his bulge.
What does the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
Same time next month?
Yesterday I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
How to embarrass an archaeologist:
hand them a used tampon and ask, “which period is this from?”
There’s an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.
“Son, I found a condom in your room.”
“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
Why does a squirrel swim on him back?
To keep his nuts dry.
Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye…
Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.
I replaced my dad’s shaving cream with mayonnaise.
He shouted “What the Hellman!”
What’s black and doesn’t work?
I went to the doctor the other day, and all he did was bite my neck.
Don’t go see Dr. Acula.
The job interviewer asked, “whats your full name?”
“It’s Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith.”
The interviewer asked me, “do you suffer from tourettes Peter?”
“No” I replied, “but my parents do.”
I finally found a way to make my dick 9” long.
Just fold it in half.
I used to smoke pot and sneak into class 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse, slink down in my desk and hope no one asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.