“You know you’re getting old when you get that ONE candle on the cake. It’s like,
‘See if you can blow this out’.”
“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the out-come.”
“I don’t want to hear the specials.
If they’re so special, put ’em on the menu.”
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women:
A little bit of support, and a little bit of FREEDOM.”
“To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.”
“Make no mistake about why these babies are here – they are here to replace us.”
“When you look annoyed all the time,
People think that you’re BUSY.”
-said by ‘George’, written by Jerry
“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
“My theory is,
98 percent of all human endeavor is KILLING TIME.”
“Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.”
“Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky.
There’s entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.”
“People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.”
“Pay attention, don’t let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.”
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.”
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet.
If you see two life forms: one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him…who would you assume is in charge?”
“My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.”
“The true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”
“Let’s face it: a date is a job interview that lasts all night.
The only difference between a date and a job interview is:
Not at many job interviews, is there a chance you’ll end up NAKED at the END of it.”
“If you go to a bad movie, it’s two hours. If you’re in a bad movie, it’s two years.”
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”
“A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it’s kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the ’60s, they were nervier. You know why?
Because there was less at stake.”
“I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet.
I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.”
“The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I’m making 22 minutes; I know there’s a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.”
“The IRS! They’re like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”
“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”
“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed.
Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”
“Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic – you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.”
“The Four Levels of Comedy:
Make your friends laugh,
Make strangers laugh,
Get paid to make strangers laugh,
Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.”
“Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.”
“You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
To me, if life boils down to one thing, it’s movement. To live is to keep moving.”
“I’m in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people’s feelings.”
“I love being a Dad. I just love it.”
-Jerry Seinfeld
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