“I guess I just feel like a real person now. Like, everything was gray before. I was alive, but I wasn’t living, if that makes sense. I was acting like a real person and doing things that real people did but everything felt pretend.
Even just after starting hormones, the difference was astounding. I only had estrogen in my body for a couple of days and everything had noticeably changed. It was like an alarm had been ringing in the back of my head my entire life and I was so used to it that I thought it was normal, but all of a sudden it was gone and for the first time in my life I could actually LIVE and hear everything so clearly without the alarm drowning everything out. It was like I could see colors for the first time, like I’d never really smiled and I was just learning what it felt like, like I’d never noticed all the beautiful trees and flowers and weeds and rocks around me.Then, as my body started changing, I’d wake up every day excited to notice something new. My muscles I hated so much (I lifted weights a lot in my denial phase) were suddenly shrinking, my boobs were growing, my skin was softer and more sensitive to the touch. I’d bump my chest against the door frame ’cause I wasn’t used to having anything there to bump. A few months later, the same thing started happening with my hips.
I started seeing a real person in the mirror. Like the mask I’d worn my whole life was slowly fading away and each day my reflection made more and more sense.
I started experiencing emotions like I always wished I could. I experienced emotions I didn’t even know existed. I would cry at a cute meme on Instagram or a touching story from another trans girl and it felt like pure ecstasy. When I felt angry or sad, I didn’t have to bottle things up and let them out in bursts of anger. I could cry and feel and experience the sadness and feel it slowly melt away from me.
So I guess in summary, I feel ‘real’ now. I feel happy and right and content and grateful that I’m finally able to live as a real person.”