At my age I do say my room number out loud...and I hope somebody come knocking, except the IRS and Melissa McCarthy.

I've got a few. If you're travelling from hotel to hotel it gets a bit disorientating so try cleaning the room as if it were your own place - psychologically it makes the space more yours (weird, but really does help) unpacking and not living out of the suitcase helps for this too. Never go out with your card in the little holder with the room number on they give you - no brainer. Never take a room near an elevator - guests (often drunk) walk by late at night and the machinery can get noisy - ask for one far down the corridor. This applies to windows over a road as well, or a party space. Basically, don't unpack until you know that room is going to be quiet - it's a bedroom. Take earplugs too. If you want extra supplies (coffees, teas, soaps etc) ask the cleaners. Finally, if you have kids, take the freebies for them - saves you a lot of money buying "guilt" gifts at the airport. Yep - my boring existence!

Put down towels on the bed before you bang the girl you're with. When she squirts all over the place they'll charge you for all the bedding. Learned that the hard way

Is she really a flight attendant and not a paranoid schizophrenic? We post our intimate details on social media for world to see, but saying out a room number in hotel lobby is a big deal. Wtf...

TIPS FOR BRAIN DEAD RETARDS

always carry a black light