"I drove over a mattress

It was in an alley in a puddle, I thought I would glide right over it. Thing got stuck in my tire well, had to call a tow truck to lift my car and beat it out with a hammer. Next morning found that it had punctured my front left tire and had to get a new one. Did another dumb thing by thinking I get a whole new wheel not just tire so ditched my wheel by the dumpster and then drove to the garage on a flat spare only to be sent home to get my wheel also.

It was a bad day or two"

"Often when I'm closing a door quickly I will hold the edge of the door rather than the door knob. You may be wondering: "isn't your hand in the way of closing said door then?!" The answer is yes, I have slammed my fingers in doors too many times because I refuse to hold the f@#king door knob."

"Told my friend that the 4th of July celebrations must be beautiful at the place we were. We were in Linlithgow, Scotland and I was talking about the palace and loch. Friend is Scottish. For obvious reasons they do not celebrate the 4th of July."

"I suspected a roommate of stealing my food from the fridge, so I put a lock on the fridge and freezer door handles. Turns out you can still open both."

"Went to a bank to withdraw money. Bank teller asked me how I would like it and I said: "in cash". Bank teller just stared at me, while my friend is dying of laughter. Meanwhile, I stand not understanding the issue."

"I farted while we were spread out sitting on the ground in my gym class. Everyone looked behind towards me and I looked behind me, only to see that I was looking at a wall."

"I saw a bear in the woods and panicked so I threw food at it."

"I've lived at my house for half a decade and I still get mixed up on which way the key goes in the front door. I'm starting to wonder if I should get tested."

"Every elevator going down in a busy NYC hotel was already full of people so I decided to go up. When I got to the final floor I accidentally got out of the elevator instead of just staying put."

"Stayed at an Air BnB this weekend. It took me a full 2 minutes to figure out how to get the water to come out of the shower head instead of the lower spout.

I was pulling, pushing, twisting, bopping, and man handling every surface of that bath hardware until i figured out you just pull down on the tip of the spout.

I took that shower in shame."

"Until I was 16 I thought that dark meat and white meat came from different turkeys"

"I couldn't find a colander when the pasta was done, but I found the thing you use to steam vegetables (there's no handle on these). So I held the thing over the sink, and poured boiling water directly onto my hand."

"A few years ago i could not figure out if the new electric stove was on or off. I was familiar with flame stoves so i stuck my hand flat on the heating coil. My hand had burnt circular stripes all over it. The stove was hot."

"I used to boil eggs in my kettle, one time an egg cracked so I had to clean it out. To see if the water was ‘eggy’ afterwards I decided to smell the steam as it came out..."

"I took the wrong train to get back home and didn't realize it until i had already sat in it for more than half an hour. Twice. It was the same wrong train that leaves a few minutes before the train i wanted to take. I used to commute the exact same route for years.

A one-hour drive took me five hours until i got home. When i realized that i was sitting in the wrong train AGAIN, I cried."

"I’m waiting in an airport in a foreign (to me) country right now. This is my second time in the airport and my third booked flight. The first one I was reading a book at the gate and didn’t notice everyone leaving (how?!) I watched that plane moving down the runway and wondered how long until I would be boarding. I rebooked the flight for the next day, but accidentally booked the wrong one and it left while I was sleeping peacefully at my hotel. I’m a bit nervous about this third one tbh."

"I had a key ring which was this little piece of plastic with paper inside. I wrote my address on it incase I lost my key."

"Am a doctor. Can't read clocks."

"Trying to drive on a long trip (Austin to San Diego) when I knew I was tired.

Kept thinking "I'm almost there... I can make it." Opened the windows, sang heavy metal at the top of lungs, pinched myself painfully. Then hit traffic just about twenty miles from my destination. Woke up passing cars going about 10 mph on the shoulder.

Then made the same mistake a couple years later driving to SD from Seattle in one stretch. Dozed off going about 60 down the 5 in LA at about 4am. Fortunate to wake up before going off the road or hitting one of the few other cars.

No joke how fast it can creep up on you from thinking you have got things under control to realizing just how quickly your body will shut down."