I wanted to leave some itchy comments, but there's too much to read. In the meantime, for our "friend":
Cats are awesome!

A friend of mine had just came over to my house after being at the racetrack all day. He had just had a nitrous system put in and was tweaking it. He removed the back seat for less weight. Sometime later that night my sister called asking for a ride home from work. We head out to the car but I decide not to get in because she would have to sit in the back without a seat or seat belt. 2 minutes later his nitrous system malfunctioned and he lost control of the car hitting a tree on the passenger side. Completely destroyed the car and ejected him through the glass T-tops. He spent over a year in and out of the hospital but did recover. There is no way I would have survived.

I got shot by a malformed bullet that would have completely killed me, but it was malformed so it didn't kill me all the way

i pissed on floor women police come arrest i say oh you so beautiful she see my big huge enis and say woow lets marry now she gained 40kg and does shower only once a week life is sad in belarus