#1 I haven't used a straw in years, and not because of turtle propaganda, but because I know I can DRINK WITHOUT ONE.

#44 My morning FIL wakes at 5am and can't make it to noon before requiring napping.

#41 Cleese: "It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?"
Palin: "Finest in the district."
Cleese: "Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please."
Palin: "Well, it's so clean, sir."
Cleese: "It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese."

That excerpt from "The Cheese Shop" cracks me up every time. And, yes...I've memorized the entire sketch. Like most Gen X nerds before me, we also know all of "Monty Python and The Holy Grail."

#38 It's nasty bitter bean water . it's like saying who doesn't do heroin it's not a drug it's happiness.

#41 You're going to be so disappointed at that party