My school’s incident was known only as ‘Code Brown.’

There was an AP English class for Juniors where the teacher allowed her kids to eat in class, and sit wherever they liked. In our school that was a big deal, and it attracted students with no business seeking college credits. I’m talking seriously bottom of the barrel here, fewer brain cells than an autistic goldfish.

I had the great misfortune of being in this class my Junior year of high school, and what transpired can only be described as traumatic, mostly for our teacher, who shall henceforth be known as Mrs. J.

A few kids in this class (we will call them A, B, and C) liked to being in tons of food every day. It started normal enough. A turkey sandwich here, a cup of yogurt there. But it escalated…

One day B brought in broccoli, which makes you fart, and it does not smell good. But that wasn’t even the problem. A and C somehow took this sickening butt trumpet to be a challenge, a battle call, and the took not upon themselves to bring in other fart inducing food items. The goal, it seemed, was to produce the fouled flatulence before the bell.

It went on for a couple of weeks, and it became clear that C was the Flatulence King.

But B couldn’t let that go, and A was willing to assist. A ditched a class that day to bring B as many burritos as he could afford from Taco Bell. It was a couple bags full, and B apparently had a bottomless stomach. He ate something like 9 burritos during he first hour of class.

Honestly, I was kind of impressed…