East Coast: Simply put, everything is closed, not that it matters because you’re probably stuck in your car in, you guessed it, traffic…

Deep South: The Governor has sent word to D.C. declaring a Federal Disaster seeking aid. National Guard called in. Remarkably, raging Yeti’s from hell do not eat them.

Midwest: The line at the liquor store has extended to the roads, where there are now minor traffic delays.