“This mask didn’t turn me into the cutie from the package.”
“We ordered a wedding cake. These are wedding rings on a cushion.”
“I didn’t want that Switch as a present.”
“My younger sister was so happy about her first day at school...until she realized that I couldn’t stay with her.”
“When your mom promised you a birthday party, but, in fact, it is a party for her...”
When you’ve lost the detonator:
Every time it’s the same thing.
Bestie: I want you to take a picture of me in the hammock like in this girl’s Instagram! Me: No problem.
When your wife chooses clothes for you and her taste leaves much to be desired:
Hairdresser: What haircut do you want? Client: Just give up on my life for good.
I wish I were home in Fairbanks, Alaska.
Manufacturers probably put catnip into chargers.
“I ordered a sauna hat on the internet. You’ll never guess what I got: Cuban medicine made of scorpion venom.”
“In this café, they offer to put an egg into any dish for only 50 cents. I asked them to put it in my drink as a joke. I don’t know what I expected.”
This lollipop was not so tasty after I saw the lie.
“It feels like my friend’s cat will kill her one day.”
“Definitely not what I expected!”
“It seems like my coffee is cold.”
“I bought a T-shirt in size XL so that it wouldn’t stick to my body.”
“The stages of my wife’s disappointment when she realized that we missed the ice cream truck...”
“My son feeds his toy dog with cookies while his real dog is sitting sadly behind the window.”
“Why on Earth did this shampoo dye my dog pink?!”
“I ordered a beautiful quilt on the internet. This is what I got.”
“I reserved a table for Saint Valentine’s Day.”
“I decided to do a perm: expectation and reality.”