“Do whatever you want”
*Boooooooooooop* This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. What you do next is very important and it has nothing to do with what you want. Think very carefully before you act.
“I need my space”
Boy you done fucked up now. If you’re married, I hope you have a comfortable couch. If you’re just dating, well, you’re not anymore.
If you can read, you’re too old to fall for this. She is definitely not fine and you better figure out what is wrong real quick. Hint: It’s you. It’s always you.
“I’m almost ready”
Ladies, this shit is confusing! Guys, use the rule of threes here. Has she changed at least three times? Has she said she’s ready three times? Has she asked you, “Is that what you’re wearing” three times? No? Grab a beer and enjoy the game.
“We need to talk”
Oh, there’s gonna be talking, but it’s not gonna be you. You’ll be doing that thing you’re so great at—listening! Yes, there will be a quiz afterward.
This is an accusation, an insinuation and a four-alarm fire, buddy. I mean, you had the audacity to ask her “what’s wrong?” Clearly you should know the answer. “Nothing” is exactly what you’ll be getting tonight.
You won an argument! No, you damn fool. You NEVER win an argument with a woman. She’s just digging in. It’s a war of attrition.
“I’m not hungry”
This one is sometimes accompanied by, “I’ll just have a salad.” Translation: I’m gonna pick off your plate the entire time because I’m hungry but don’t want to feel fat.”
Leave her at home and go have a few beers with the boys. Also, send a moving van to pick up all your shit from the front lawn.
“Let’s take it slow”
“You’re nice, but so is this other guy I’m seeing and he has abs.”
Pack it up buddy, she’s got her sweatpants on already. You’re not getting any.
“I have nothing to wear”
“There is so much shit in my closet I can’t even bring myself to go through it. Can we stop by the mall on our way?”
“Not now, but I reserve my right to change my mind whenever, wherever without warning.” Otherwise known as, “Maybe.”
“Whatever you want”
See, this is a trick question, because you should want whatever she wants, right?