New drinking game: Say “Anheuser-Busch Interbrew AmBev“ 3-times fast. Take a drink if you fuck up. This surly band of mighty dwarven drinkers has an annual turnover of $56.4 Billion as of 2017. Their drunken jet setting debauchery reaches every continent and owns over 500 beer brands.
Chalk one up to these guys just don’t get it at all. These dicks are the Martin Shkrelis of marijuana. They’ve slowly, but steadily been purchasing patents on as many strains of cannabis as they can convince stoners to give them. This boon will allow them to control how people grow, research, sell and consume weed when it probably becomes legal nationally (in the US).
Otherwise known as the blistering assholes that control 80% of concert ticket sales. In addition to their ticket monopoly (after merging with Ticketmaster in 2010), these spinsters own 200 venues and manage 500 artists. These are the guys every 80’s anti-establishment movie taught you to hate.
Listen up Canucks, this is straight up un-American, eh! FPAQ wields their beefy lumberjack power by controlling 72% of the world’s maple syrup supply. This is not the kind of sticky situation I like.
This company got its humble beginnings in Massachusetts as a family run paper company. Now, they are responsible for manufacturing all US paper money while creating secure banknotes and documents for many other countries as well. Control the cash, control the world?
This secret 40-person panel determines the rules for French linguistics. I could care less, but it’s kind of cool that they literally just make up shit as they go—like the word “courriel” for “email” in French. Wee wee!
To put it bluntly, Amanda probably determines if you’re getting laid tonight (by someone else) or not. As CEO of “Match Group”, she controls most major dating sites/apps including Tinder, OkCupid and Match.com.
Don’t sleep on this guy’s power. He may not wield billions or drive a fancy car, but he is the most prolific Wikipedia contributor ever. In his time writing for the fake Britannica, he has made over 1.4 million edits. Only 1 million of those were fixing auto-corrections. This is the guy college professors warned you about.
These guys are the godfathers of the pizza cheese market. They control over 85% of cheese distribution to pizza companies including chains like Pizza Hut, Domino’s, Papa John’s and Little Caesars. That’s a spicy meatball!
Even if the unblockable “MySpace Tom” and cyborg Facebook founder Mark Zucker-beep-boop-berg combined their forces, they still couldn’t hold up this guy’s cyber jock strap. Ma’s “WeChat” app is the largest and most used messaging system in the world, with close to 1 BILLION users.
When someone uses the term “walk the walk” this is the guy they’re talking about. Schultz is a “passenger flow” expert. No, I’m not talking about bowel movements. He is responsible for designing the shape and structure of airports to supposedly get you to your plane on time. But I think he’s secretly working for Cinnabon to make sure no matter where your gate is, you pass their doughy crack rolls.
This conservative media conglomerate owns 193 local TV stations comprising 89 different markets. The content they control reaches more than 40% of the households in America. This Borg-like company garnered national attention when a clip surfaced showing dozens of news anchors on their stations reciting a script attacking mainstream media for the spread of fake news. Rod Serling couldn’t write it any better than this.
This private company determines whether products that use heat, water or electricity are safe. Based on their determination, the United States government adopts and enacts standards. Yeah, these guys literally tell Trump-daddy when his bath tub water is too hot. Ok, not literally.
These people have the delicate and important job of setting the standards for programming languages so that software can all communicate with each other. Everything from complicated algorithms running government surveillance equipment to Emojis, must be approved by this group. So, these are the people that picked the eggplant…
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