Apparently having your phone vibrate in your pocket isn’t enough. Finnish phone manufacturer Nokia took things a step further when they filed a patent for a vibrating tattoo that would alert users when their phone rings.

It seems to sort of defeat the purpose right? Well, according to its patent, one of its potential uses could be by politicians as they kiss babies during their election campaigns. Talk about a niche market.

If you want to stop your overweight child from eating too much, this cage-like mask could be your solution. The mask makes it nearly impossible to sneak in even a crumb, though it has a cup-shaped mesh to allow the person to breathe. Patented in 1982, this could be something a sadistic diet camp director could impose on those who are trying to lose weight. However, what would stop hungry dieters from taking this contraption off was never made clear.

Boost your self-esteem with this high-five machine if nobody wants to do it with you! Patented in 1993, this machine allows you to stimulate the celebratory effect of high-5’ing as a convenient outlet for the release of excitement. According to the patent’s instructions, you will have to affix the high-five machine to the wall or set it on a table, as it improves your hand-and-eye coordination and your mood, by giving the plastic arm a high-five anytime you want to.

Afraid of the coming Apocalypse? This shield will protect you should a nuclear bomb ever be dropped in your area. According to its patent, all you need to do is to dig a hole and unfold the Portable Nuclear Shield over your head and you will be free from its harmful contaminants. Hopefully you’re good at digging fast!

Hiccups can be troublesome, and if drinking lots of water or holding your breath don’t seem to work, this 2003-patented hiccup treatment might help. For persistent hiccups that last for 48 hours or more, you can supposedly have them zapped away with a small electric shock. While drinking water, the electrodes placed along a metal rod will be used to shock your vagus and phrenic nerves to stop the hiccup.

If your farts stink, just use the patented Flat-D flatulent deodorizing pad, and you will never have to worry about making people choke again. This product is made from activated charcoal pads, which absorb and filter the air to save you from the embarrassing situation.

Ever wonder how long you have left on this planet? Well wonder no more. Now you can have the ultimate countdown wrapped around your wrist and not look like the most gullible person in the world…no…not at all.

The patent for the Method of Concealing Partial Baldness was filed on December 1975 by the father and son team of Frank and Donald Smith from Orlando, Fl. According to its abstract, it was a method of styling hair to cover partial baldness using only the hair on the person’s head. These entail dividing the remaining hair into three sections, and then combing it across your head. Who knew Donald Trump’s hair is patented?

Some people walk their dogs, other people walk their snakes. What more can we say?

If you think that your child is too old for the habit of thumb-sucking, you can stop this nasty habit once and for all with the thumb-sucking inhibitor. A covering for the thumb made of metal casing is attached to a bracelet and is adjusted to custom fit your child’s thumb. Hopefully they don’t enjoy the taste of metal.

This invention was made as an alternative to sponge baths administered to patients in hospitals and nursing homes. The patient would be encapsulated in an elongated sheath of fluid tight material, thereby enclosing the whole body of the patient except for the head. There is an inlet to admitting fluid and an outlet for drawing out the dirty water. Though it may seem like a practical idea, there are no reports of successful usage.

The Crustless Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich has become infamous for its groundbreaking ability to make something so simple become so complex. Patented in 2001 by Smuckers, the patent has also been very controversial. Seriously, who patents a sandwich?

Want something that will keep you awake during long speeches or long-night movie marathons? Just bite down on the small end of the vibrating wand and you’ll be jolted to your senses. This wand will transmit vibrations to your brain that will buzz you awake without disturbing your neighbor. Not very comfortable but apparently that would be the point!

Designed to ‘protect the ears of long eared animals, especially dogs, from coming into contact with their food or drink while they eat,’ don’t expect to win any style points for your pooch with these things.

Why would you ever need one? No one knows, but apparently some people highly value the safety of their bananas. With the banana protective device, they claim that you will never have to worry about bruised, brown, or smelly bananas in your lunch box.

One of the most ridiculous patents ever, the Gerbil Shirt was intended for pet owners who want to take their little pets for a walk out in the sun. This pet display vest has an elongated, enclosed, pet-receiving passageway that is transparent so people can view the gerbil or rodents as they go through the maze.

Being in college can be tough. You have to cook your own food and do your own laundry. What a nightmare, but…enter disposable boxer shorts. They were patented on April Fool’s Day of 2003. Go figure.

One would think that neutering or spaying would be easier, but hey, not to whoever applied for this patent.

According to its inventor, the beerbrella can be attached to a beverage container in order to shade it from the direct rays of the sun…or the rain…or whatever you want to shade your drink from.

We’re not sure who exactly would need a diaper disguised as a candybar but apparently there is some demand out there.

Though it looks like the original Human Slingshot machine, which was patented in 1995; the improved version promises to solve the deficiencies of its predecessor. One of the major deficiencies of the former slingshot was the tendency for the rubber strands to deteriorate. In its patent, it explains that ‘the invention relates to an amusement device….used to successively propel and retard the rider to cause the rider to undergo a vertically oscillatory motion.’

Patented in 2003, the better mouse trap is just one of many “better mousetraps” that have been patented since 1976. It seems that mouse catching technology is slowly improving.

Yes, flies can be annoying, especially if you’re eating a bowl of noodles and don’t have the Chinese chopsticks to catch them with. According to this patent, the traditional bigger fly swatters are cumbersome and have hygiene concerns as well, so you need a miniature device that can be fixed to the end of your index finger. By simply flicking your finger, you will discourage those flies from bugging you.

Though there are a number of carry out food containers that have been patented before; this product, which was just patented in 2008, stood out for its lack of originality where the only addition made to prior designs was the attachment of wax paper. According to its patent, ‘the process of covering the food becomes more effective, and the overall appearance of the carry-out container enhanced.’ The originality is overwhelming.