The Room
This legendary bad film is so awesome in it’s awkwardness, but where’s the titular room? What room are they talking about?
There is no room and it’s tearing me apart.
Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
You can’t even tour Manhattan, let alone take it, within 15 mins, but that’s how long Jason is in NY. Of the 100 min running time, he’s on a ship killing high school graduates, until the very end, when he hits a few landmarks and disappears in a sewer.
The Last Exorcism Part II
If it’s the last one, why is there a second part? I thought the original, found-footage film was the very last one? Apparently, it wasn’t.
Even worse, the exorcism is only a tiny part of this film, while the rest of the film is about the demon being in love with his host.
Windows
This 1980 erotic thriller should have been about obsession, infidelity, murder and sex. And with a title like this, you could also assume there was a voyeuristic component to it like in Body Double or Peeping Tom. That’s a hard no, though. No peeping.
It’s just a film about an obsessed woman who hires a taxi driver to rape her friend, in order to get sexual gratification. But no one is doing anything with windows.
Another Son of Sam
This Grindhouse-Horror film might paint itself as a film about a serial killer like David Berkowitz, but it has absolutely nothing to do with him.
Originally filmed in 1975, it was about mental patient who took college students as hostages. When released in 1977, they decided to capitalize on the Son of Sam fiasco.
It’s also a sh#t film.
John Dies at the End
It’s spelled out, right there in the title, but guess what? The title’s wrong.
John dies in the middle of the film, but that’s only because it’s a non-linear set up.
The Lone Ranger
Not to be pedantic, but the Lone Ranger’s never really been alone, in any version. He’s always got Tonto to watch his back.
Fargo
There’s only one scene set in Fargo, North Dakota, where Jerry meets up with the hitmen. The rest of the film in Minnesota. Why not call it Brainerd, MN?
This Film is Not Yet Rated
This documentary takes a look at the political and arbitrary nature of how movies are labelled, and it obviously needed to be rated before it was released. It ended up with an NC-17, before director Kirby Dick appealed.
Still though… it’s all a lie.
Clash of the Titans
You’d think there would be Titans in this film, but you’d be wrong. There aren’t any. Just Greek gods and Sam Worthington, fighting it out over sh#t. Frankly, the 1981 is better. Nothing tops Harry Hamlin and his mechanical owl. At least that one had a Titan or two.
Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
There’s two lies inherent in the title. The first is announcing that Freddy’s dead, as if that’s new information. He’s been dead for all the movies. And he’s not the kind of dead where he stays dead, ya know?
The second was that it was the final nightmare. It wasn’t There were 3 more films after this one.
Pirates of The Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
Sure, there’s a curse involved, but it’s not on the Black Pearl. The ship itself is fine, it’s the crew that’s been cursed. Should have called it The Curse of the Crew of the Black Pearl.
Also, very few of those pirates are actually from the Caribbean.
Across the Pacific
This Humphrey Bogart classic was supposed to be about the war in the Pacific, except nothing ever happens there. It’s not seen, crossed, and is barely mentioned.
In it’s defence, it was supposed to be about the Japanese bombing Pearl Harbor, until they actually did. Then the bombing location was changed to Panama (which is in the Caribbean), but the title remained the same.
Abbott and Costello Meet the Killer, Boris Karloff
This comedy duo does indeed meet Boris Karloff, but despite all signs pointing to him being the killer, he’s not. That honour falls to the hotel manager.
The filmmakers lie again in a the subsequent film Abbott and Costello Go to Mars, because they land on Venus instead of Mars. Where’s the honesty, Bud and Lou?
The Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Surprise, surprise… there is no “Book of Shadows” in this film. There’s a book that they’re researching that has something to do with the Blair Witch and shadows, but they never even use the words.
The Karate Kid
They don’t even do Karate in this film. It’s Kung-Fu. The whole title was just to capitalize on the popularity of the original, and the producers entertained the idea of having a more accurate title, but rejected it.
This entire movie should be crane-kicked out of existence.
Mission: Impossible
Let’s be honest here; Ethan Hunt is still alive and un-maimed. He’s been in 6 films, with two more announced. Are they really impossible? Or just really, really difficult and other agencies just puss out at the idea.
Assault on Precinct 13
This is a fantastic neo-Western, but I can’t get over the fact that the actual police station in question is called Precinct 9, Division 13.
Apparently Precinct 13 sounds cooler, but still… not cool, man.
Happiness
This film isn’t happy, not at all. It’s a dark comedy about a child rapist, an obscene caller, a self-hating author and a severely old man who cheats on his wife. Sure, the title is meant to be ironic, but it’s also, completely untrue.
Jurassic Park
I’d hate to say anything about this wonderfully amazing film. It still holds up today and is f#cking amazing. But… there are no dinosaurs from the Jurassic period in this movie. They’re all from the Cretaceous period, which was 80 Million years after the Jurassic. Plus, saying “Welcome to, Cretaceous Park” sounds lame.
It’s just a minor quibble, though.
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