“My wife left my daughter and I alone yesterday morning. She is a real worrywart and I’m an avid Photoshop user.”
“Not sure who has been delivering my packages lately, but they are the BEST! They have seriously been hiding my packages from my husband! So cute!”
Remember, women never forget anything.
“I told my niece she can have one cookie. So she baked this!”
“Went to NYC on business and I had to show my wife I wasn’t enjoying it without her, so here I am having a bad time all over New York.”
“Women confuse me. My girlfriend sent me out for groceries, and like any rational person, I thought that meant go get hats for the dogs. Turns out she was hungry.”
Me: “Why are these Legos all over the floor?!”
Daughter: “To keep everyone else away, it’s my turn on the computer.”
How can you ask your husband to do the laundry after something like this?
“I put a cute note in my boyfriend’s lunch.”
“My sister is pissed off and ‘doesn’t want to see any of us’ so this is her solution.”
“My pregnant wife asked for a small bowl of cereal. I delivered.”
“I think I heard ‘I hate you!’ from the bathroom.”
“What I said was ‘Get your clothes off the floor.’
What my 6-year-old son heard was ‘Throw your clothes on the fan to get them off the floor.’ Clearly I need to be more specific with my instructions.”