“Backstory: I met this girl on tinder and she in her profile he said “Dead a##looking for dude friends. Nothing romantic.” I took this quite literal and we became friends.

About two weeks after meeting her, she called in a panic and asked me to come over and check her attic because she was hearing noises from up there. Being the only guy that she was friends with in the area (new grad student), I came over. Naturally, those spooky ghosts left ectoplasm everywhere. I told her that for future reference if she wanted to f@#k, she could just ask.”