All this is just too much butter upon bacon.

I married a "country girl." When she was told she couldn't do something, she would say, "you just squat and watch."

Damn, I got a lot of them:
1. Went over like a lead balloon.
2. So hungry I would eat the southern end of a north bound mule.
3. Couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.
4. Dumber than a box of hammer.
5. Were you born stupid or just trying really hard?
6. Couldn't find his/her a$$ with a map, a flashlight and help.

Got more I have heard over the years but Ill keep this short.

To refer to a gossip:
"She has a tongue longer than a Mountie's boot".

"I'd rather shave a bobcat's a$$ in a telephone booth with a wooden razor."

"That's about as funny as a green turd in a pickle jar."