"I was having a house party years ago. A pair of girls went into the bathroom together. Not uncommon. Well, one of them decided to take a leak in my sink and accidentally dropped a loaf. They come out laughing and telling everyone someone must have [dump] in my sink. I was literally the last person in that bathroom before them. I even watched them walk in. And I don't remember [pooping] in my own sink. After confronting them, they got [offended] and left. Didn't even bother cleaning the turd out of my sink."

"My wife's cousin plopped her big, crusty feet on our coffee table and sprayed them down with an anti-fungal spray.

And then when we're having our (very small) wedding reception at our house she sat there and asked very loudly if ours was a shotgun wedding because she thought she noticed a bump on my wife(who was just a little curvy while the cousin is morbidly obese).

And then a few years later she was sitting on our couch farting up a storm when she suddenly had to get up and rush to the bathroom. I just happened to look up and to my horror saw a black streak running down her ass. We had to get new couch cushions."