“They just don’t make them like they used to” them being good wood dressers
"Calling a 21 year-old guy a “kid”."
"My housemate: you want a drink?
Me: Nah, man. I haven’t had a drink in… six months maybe? More?
My housemate: You stopped drinking?
Me: I’m not SOBER or anything, it’s just that alcohol makes me sleepy."
"I was eating lunch with a coworker last week and she was bitching about the weird clothes her parents wore in high school. Jincos, wallet chains like 4 ft long, some other stuff, but as I’m listening to her I realize that she’s describing my high school experience so I ask her, how old are your parents?
“Ugh they’re 40!”
….I’m 37, turning 38 in two weeks.
After I told her that we both got really quiet and changed the subject.
Someone please help me. I’m not ready for this."
"Had a riveting conversation with some friends about the best office chairs for lumbar support."
"In a conversation with a friend “I managed to find a really good knife block recently…”"
"Scrolling through my Spotify and constantly asking who the hell are these people?"
"You want to go out for dinner? Oh no, I can’t; I have chicken in the fridge that I have to cook before it goes bad"
"I saw a few teenagers out in short skirts and light tops and I turned to my partner and said “Jaysus are they not freezing with not a coat between them”
I am old"
"I can’t fix one thing in my house without at least 15 minutes of complaining about the previous owners handiwork."
"“Oh no thank, you. I can’t have caffeine this late in the day or I’ll never get to sleep tonight.”
My spouse was offering me the last soda from the fridge. It was 1pm."
"Why is the music so loud in here?!"
"Wanted to buy a snack and then thought, “no, I have food at home”"
"I was venting to a coworker about these noisy bastards living next to me. I actually said the words, “goddamn teenagers and their Bluetooth machines”. I stand by my admonition but man it was my greatest age leap forward since I embraced the sensible Toyota."
"I slapped a crate I had strapped onto the back of my car and said “This isn’t going anywhere”"
"When my wife asked if there was anything she need to pick up at the store, and I responded: “I think we’re out of asparagus.”
Not sure what foul demon possessed me to to say those words."
"Not something I said but I just stood out on my porch this morning drinking my coffee and someone drove by pretty fast and I thought “that’s way too fast”"
"“I will never financially recover from this”
Said after turning off yet another light left on in my home"
"I had a classmate who was probably just old enough to drink ask me if I knew what a meme was. I almost died. I’m 30, not dead."