"The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me""

In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with "I'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on"

"Is it cheating to use one of my own?

I work in construction and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he's never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while drunk driving.

I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, "What the f@#k? I'm a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You're just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?"

And I just said, "I don't have any drinking stories.""

"This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid s@#t like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands *down my favorite teacher."

"Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse poop to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said " Everybody gifts what they eat.""