“There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language, but I could never string enough words together to properly express how much I want to hit you with a chair,” - Alexander Hamilton to Thomas Jefferson
"Joe Pyne interviewing Frank Zappa
Joe: "I guess your long hair makes you a woman."
FZ: "I guess your wooden leg makes you a table.""
"Woman I work with, but don’t like, was in a MOOD one morning. Male colleague comes in, after putting up with her for a bit, looks at her and says, ‘Are you on your period or something?’. She turns around and stony-eyed says, ‘I woke up in a pool of blood and if you don’t shut up, you’ll end your day the exact same way.’ Never respected her until then."
"A french manager and a Karen were arguing.
Karen: customers are kings.
Manager: you're in France, here we decapitate kings."
"During WW1, Switzerland had a tiny standing army, but they were very skilled marksmen. Wilhelm II of Germany asked what 250k Swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k German troops.
The Swiss said, "Shoot twice and go home.""
"Winston Churchill, of course.
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.
Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it."
"David Letterman: I'm not as dumb as I look.
Tina Fey: How could you be?"
"Context: John Oliver from HBO interviews Stephen Hawking (may he rest in peace)
JO: And there may be a universe where I am more intelligent than you?
SH: There may even be a universe where you are funny."
"A guy makes fun of his bald friend by rubbing his head and saying, "Wow, your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom." The friend also rubs his head and says, "Wow - you're right.""
"English class in Middle School
Kid A - "yo, Kid B, your mama waited on me at McDonalds last night. Must feel like s@#t having a mom that works at McDonalds"
Kid B- " at least MY mom gets out of bed to go to work"
English teacher far louder than he realized "DAYUM!"
The rest of us were laughing so hard, the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on..."
"In middle school a boy asked when I was going to grow some boobs. So I asked him when he was donating his......
I'm still really proud of that one."
"My mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron.
"Are you getting smart with me?"
"Would you be able to tell?""
"A friend in highschool on our way to a track meet. He was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice. When this dbag saw him.
Dbag: “why bothering looking at that when you know you’ll never be able to get one?”
My friend: “the same reason you watch adult movies”
The entire bus erupted and it’s still one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard."
"Someone yelled out in a Walmart , “I’m not ashamed of who I am”. Another voice echoed back, “that’s your parents job”"
"Ghandi after a Reporter asked him a question.
Reporter: What do you think of Western Civilisation
Ghandi: I think it would be a good idea"
"18th Century British radical politician John Wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox".
Wilkes shot back with "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress.""
"Saw a clip of a standup comedian the other day, and he says something along the lines of "the first time I had sex it was terrible... the first time I had sex..." and a woman chimes in with "you mean yesterday? " crowd laughs for a while, and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head, once it gets down to basically a few chuckles, he just says "Glad you remember " and the crowd just lost their [marbles], it was amazing"
"It's gotta be the Aliens locker room scene for me.
Hudson: "Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?"
Vasquez: "No, have you?""
"My grandma asked my cousin, who'd had lots of partners and 2 kids at this point, if she was ever going to get married.
Cousin: It's not the same nowadays. We don't buy cars without test driving them first.
Grandma: Yeah. But they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either.
Point goes to Granny."
"When my younger brother was about 5 he would hold up a picture of an ape and say "Hey, look in this mirror", to which my older brother replied "That's a picture of an ape but I see why you thought it was a mirror.""
"Air Traffic Control doing a poor job of vectoring an Airbus A330 in for landing. Pilot: "You've left us too high, I don't think we can make the approach." ATC: "You've got speedbrakes on that thing, don't you?" Pilot: (After a noticeable pause) "Yes, but those are for my mistakes, not yours.""
"If you weren't so stupid what would you be?" Asks the husband. The wife replies, without even skipping a beat. "Single"
"I have a twin brother. I’m older.
He once told me when I came out, they knew it was a mistake and immediately tried again.
I told him he was the “buy one get one of equal or lesser value free”.
There was a fight after that one"
"Marylin monroe once had someone tell her "the only reason you look so beautiful is your expensive clothes." The next day she went and did a photoshoot in nothing but a potato sack. I plan on getting that as a tattoo."
"The classic: "You're adopted" "At least my parents chose to have me""
In class someone used the f slur on someone and he replied with "I'm probably as straight as the pole your mom dances on"
"Is it cheating to use one of my own?
I work in construction and a lot of the guys are exactly what you would expect from construction workers. There was one particularly loud one on this job. He would always go on about drinking and how much he drinks and the ensuing consequences. He went so far as to say he's never sold a car; he wrecks them, usually while drunk driving.
I just recently purchased a house and another guy was asking me about it. The loud guy heard this and said, "What the f@#k? I'm a journeyman and all I can afford is a basement suite in Langford (which is far away and considered sub optional). You're just an apprentice, how can you afford a house?"
And I just said, "I don't have any drinking stories.""
"This happened about 5 years ago now. There was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school. Being loud, ignoring the teacher. He was mixed race, only bringing this up because it’s related. He’s talking rather loudly with a guy next to him. Teacher tells him “shut the hell up.” Kid makes a point that he’s half black and being mean to him is racist (some stupid s@#t like that.) Teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says “I was talking to your white half, stupid.” Hands *down my favorite teacher."
"Timur the emperor of the Timurid Empire sent a chest full of horse poop to the Ottoman sultan Bayezid and the sultan sent back a chest full of sweets and delights with a note that said " Everybody gifts what they eat.""
"A friend of mine was getting b#tched at by these 2 identical twin girls in a class I had once, he replied with a troubling look on his face and said "if you two are identical, how come only 1 of you are hot?" That dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session."
"My grandparents used to bicker. My grandmother generally came out on top, as she was fierier. One time though, she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff, and he muttered
"If you'd lose some weight, you could do it yourself."
She fixed her gaze on him, and glowered "I'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 lbs of useless fat immediately..."
He replied "You're going to cut off your foot?""
"Me: We should learn from our mistakes!
My friend: So that's why you have a younger sister?"
"Back in high school, I was in the orchestra. We went on several big national trips each year.
One year, a group of upper classmen were busted for pot in their hotel room. Everyone except one guy was suspended and prohibited to attend future trips.
The one guy who wasnt in trouble apparently hid in the shower and played dumb, and they believed him.
So a week later the entire orchestra is practicing with the teaching assistant when our conductor enters the practice room, and in front of the entire 114 members of the orchestra, says "Jason, all your friends ratted you out. They're mad. I'm mad. You played me like a fiddle."
"That's what I play," Jason replied, raising his violin."
"Quiet guy in my art class got called queer bait.
He replied with “If I’m the bait then you’re the catch of the day”"
"An arab poet met a guy on the streets, trying to belittle the poet the guy said "i saw you from afar i thought you were a woman" the poet responded "i saw you from afar and thought you were a man""
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Luckily you never will be the boss of anything.
He DID have something to do with it.
He chose to be an idiot with a 50 year old outdated joke.
And he actually believes a normal biological function that can definitely influence your mood greatly is something she can control and is an insult... somehow.
It would be the equivalent if you had a stinging pain in your foot for a few days a month and had to be walking around all the time.
I wonder how your mood would be then...
But you would know this if you had ever been in a relationship with a woman.
...Or a woman could have ever tolerated your childish mind to talk to you for more than 5 minutes.
Obviously you were triggered by my comment VERY much if you had to react.