News anchor "Local man has half his face bitten off and requires nine hundred stitches in emergency surgery after an unfortunate accident while playing with, what he says, was a pet wolf he raised from a pup. Authorities have no clue when Joe Moron brought the wolf cubs home to try and raise domestically, but he is known to be an avid outdoorsman with a deep love of nature."

Fat wife outside trailer with a kid on her hip "He just loves all the little animals and is always trying to bring them on home, but I told him, I said "Joe, this is not a good idea." He's a great guy. He gets a new eyeball on Thursday.

Joe from underneath his bandages and behind respirator "Ah never thoughts he'd bite me for gettin' that close. We're always playin'. Guess he was in a bad mood. Yeah, they took some skin of my @$$ to rebuild my face, but ahm not mad. ShadowLord is a good dog. That's his name."

Direwolves arent pets