"My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo."
"I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over."
"I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal. Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want."
"I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it."
"What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics? Oops!"
"Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion!"
"Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!"
"Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow."
"A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”"
"I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find."
"I have an addiction to cheddar cheese. But it’s only mild."
"I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but then I turned myself around."
"There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t."
"Three fish are in a tank. One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”"
"I’m not a big fan of stairs. They’re always up to something."
"What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick."
"Fun fact: Australia’s biggest export is boomerangs. It’s also their biggest import."
"My dad’s answer to everything is alcohol. He doesn’t drink, it’s just that he’s really bad at crossword puzzles."
"What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality."