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I would say "Die Fleischpeitsche massieren", "Den Zipfel klatschen" "Einen von der Palme wedeln" or maybe "Den Kasper schnäuzen".
5 apples are hanging in a tree. You take one down. How many apples are left?
5.
(this sounds much better in German)
I'm german too. Never heared of "Meatenschlappen". Simply "Wichsen" (wanking) or "sich einen 'runterholen" (j#rking off).
No problem. Just do it! It doesn't even really hurt.