"You don’t know if the most shameful moment of your life has passed or if it’s coming."
"An everything bagel is proof that you can seemingly have it all and still have a hole inside you."
"Short people are less likely to break their phone when they drop it."
"Most dogs spend their entire lives waiting to protect you from something that never comes."
"Humans are afraid of being bitten by spiders even though they have more teeth. Spiders are afraid of being stepped on by humans even though they have more legs."
"Your internal monologue doesn’t have volume settings."
"It’s weird how everyone says breakfast is the most important meal of the day but it is completely acceptable to eat dessert for that meal."
"You never see energetic people drink energy drinks and you never see someone who drinks energy drinks that is energetic."
"A cool thing about getting older is that you hear from your skeleton a lot more."
"Dogs are way more excited about seeing random dogs than we are about seeing other random humans."
"Bone broth is boneless bones."
"Dinosaurs went extinct except for the few of them that evolved into birds, which turned into chickens. Humans then kill the chicken and turn them into dinosaurs (dino nuggets)."
"Your most annoying/repulsive song you’ve ever heard is on someone’s favorites playlist."
"Once we start harvesting comets and other chunks of ice for water in space someone is going to have the first drink of water that has never passed through any other living being before."
"8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough."
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