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The A to Z of chasing plus-sized chicks

Posted in Funny » Humor   10 Mar 2009   / 4192 views

Big girls need love too. Yes, they may tip the scale, be expensive dinner dates, and the butt of jokes, but underneath it all there's a heart longing to be loved. If you’re a man that lacks game, appreciates some curves, and desperately wants to hold someone, or at least try, then the plus-size lady is for you.

A is for Anger

Plus-sized chicks have a lot of pent-up anger. An inner rage boils inside them. They are mad that the world is thin-obsessed. They hate how women are portrayed in the media. They ramble on about “looking healthy” and being proud to be a curvy woman. Usually they vent on feminist websites or target articles (like this one) that are somewhat critical of their type. Sometimes they just take it out on their man.

B is for Business Class

When you date a big girl, your days of flying coach are over.

C is for Curves

Big girls claim to love their curves, and they also love Curves the gym. The way to a her heart is through her curves. Compliment her curve-a-licious body and she’ll be yours forever. What she won’t tell you is she spends hours at a Curves, working on those curves.

D is for Diet

These women are constantly dieting. Or at least they say they're dieting. In truth they never stick to it, or working out. That's why they're plus-sized. They buy every diet book published and have attempted every single fad diet. This constant yo-yoing can leave a man confused. A man doesn’t know if he should take his lady out for a Bloomin’ Onion at Outback Steak House or some fancy organic raw bar.

E is for Easier

Chances are, the reason why you're chasing larger chicks is because it’s usually easier to snag one, and they are oh-so-grateful.

F is for Fast Food

Fast food outlets are also a great place to meet a super-sized date option. But beware! Fast food is a fat person’s heroin. It can give a person an incredible high, but also bring out the worst in that person. Fast food is available around the clock, so there is no stopping a girl who must have her fix. Consider yourself warned.

G is for Granny Pants

When you get a big girl naked, don’t expect her to be wearing sexy lacy underwear. And if she does, they're going to be stretched so that they do not look the way they're supposed to.

H is for Hot Friend

Girls with a few extra pounds almost always have hot female friends. This is because hot girls hang around big girls to make themselves feel and look better. Hooking up with a plus-sized lady can have fringe benefits down the road, as her thin friends will realize that they can put on a few pounds without you freaking out on them.

I is for Ice-Cream

If you upset your lady friend, she is probably going to deal with the sadness, anger, and frustration by eating tubs and tubs of ice cream. If you want to bring a peace offering, bring a tub of Rocky Road. It works every time!

J is for Jenny Craig

If you are bit portly yourself, join Jenny Craig. You’ll meet oodles of women desperate for love who want to feel good about life and you’ll have all your meals prepared for you. It’s win-win.

K is for King-Sized Bed

A larger lady needs a larger bed. Invest in a king-sized mattress and you’ll have more room for sleeping and for getting your sex on.

L is for Love Handles

The problem with skinny chicks is they have nothing to hold on to. Chubby chicks don't have this problem. You've likely heard the phrase, "more cushion for the pushin," and this is definitely the case. A skinny girl's hip bones can knife you in the gut.

M is for Muffin Top

A muffin top is excess fat that spills over the waistline of a woman’s (or man's) pants. It usually occurs when an overweight person tries to squeeze into some skin-tight, low-rise jeans. It's not an attractive look, but it's something you must learn to live with if you're going to date plus-sized women. Commenting on a woman’s muffin top is a huge mistake.

N is for Never Say Never

You have to try most things at least once, so don’t knock being with a big girl until you’ve tried it, and don't hate on guys that do.

O is for Oprah

Big women love Oprah. She is their goddess because she's proven to them that someone can be incredibly successful regardless of their weight. Whatever you do, do not make fun of Oprah in front of them. They will defend her to the death and it could be the few things that can end the relationship. Similarly, do not interrupt your girl when Oprah is on the television talking about empowerment, home handicrafts, or god forbid, the latest fad diet.

P is for Plus-Sized Clothing Outlets

Women with more to love deserve to dress well. The problem is “mainstream” clothing designers do not cater to the larger lady. Never fear, malls around America are full of plus-size clothing outlets. This, however, does not give you the right to go out and purchase clothes for her at Lane Bryant. Just like thin women, larger ladies are extremely sensitive of your perception of them. Buying them one size too large can spell disaster. Let her buy her own clothes.

Q is for Quantity over Quality

A bigger girl has more to love, more to hold, and more to cuddle with. You get more, but the quality is probably lacking depending on your perspective. It’s like a buffet. The quality of food is terrible, but you can eat as much as you like and leave very satisfied.

R is for Remorse

There is nothing more painful to see than the look of remorse on a big girl's face after she’s consumed two whole buckets of fried chicken. A similar look can be found on your face the morning after a night of passion with one of these ladies.

S is for Settle

If you've been chasing around perfect 10s your whole life then you know that it's a slippery slope of being cheated on, being used for your money, and likely being dumped. The comfort level you have with a larger girl is hard to quantify. Not only do you feel like your relationship is secure and she's not going out behind your back, but you can also stop hitting the gym four times a week and being constantly worried about your appearance.

T is for Top Only

Making love to a plus-size woman limits the creativity in bed a great deal. You might as well accept that you're going to be in the driver's seat the majority of the time. This sucks because it means you have to do all the work, but hey, it’s better than the alternative.

U is for Ugly Betty

Portly chicks love the television show Ugly Betty. Finally, they have a character they can relate to on network television. Do not talk smack about the show, and if you can bring yourself to do it, actually sit down and watch an episode or two with her.

V is for Vagina

Good luck finding it.

W is for Water Weight

All girls use the water weight excuse constantly. With plus-sized women be prepared to hear it on a daily basis. Who are they trying to kid? It's not water that's flowing over the top of their jeans.

X is for X-Rated Films

Pornography can help when dating a large woman. It will spice up your sex life, give you something to fantasize about, and educate the both of you.

Y is for Yearning

When you're with a plus-sized gal you'll inevitably face the desire to be with more petite women. Just remind yourself of all the heartache that comes along with chasing models and the yearning will subside. You will also discover that your voluptuous woman has the same desire for food. She may try to pass her weight off as "genetic," but at the end of the day her longing for food outweighs her motivation to be thin. Don't take it personal.

Z is for Zippers

As the boyfriend of a plus-sized woman, the zipper can be your best friend. They remind your larger lady that she's putting on more weight, ensuring that she doesn't go from curvy to colossal.


Comments (3):

FriesianX 9 year s ago MARK AS SPAM
You can fix fat but stupid and ugly, no so much. Maybe a paper bag and ear plugs?
...? 8 year s ago MARK AS SPAM
I know this is probably meant to be funny, and stuff. But imagine the self esteem of some "plus-sized chick" that finds this sh*t? is she going to be so f*cking grateful to the dickhead who posted this?
OEM software online 6 year s ago MARK AS SPAM
oMfo1W Received the letter. I agree to exchange the articles.