You wake up after a full night’s sleep…
1. …too bad you’re dead.
You sit up…
2. …jk you’re dead.
You grab a glass of water and toss back a vitamin.
3. Too bad you’re not just dead—
4. —you’re double dead.
You start to get dressed by putting on your bra…
5. …oh shit, you’re dead.
Screw it. You have to get to work. You change into skinny jeans…
6. …now you’re in the hospital…
7. …OK, NOW you’re dead.
Seriously? OK, fine, you can just slip on some flip-flops and head out—
8. —if you weren’t already dead.
9. You’ve got work but the car is stuck in the snow, so you get out your shovel to WHAT NO WHY
10. Whatever, just get in the car and drive but wait COME ON
You somehow make it to work. You catch up on emails…
11. oh no you’re dead
That’s it. Screw work. You quit, you retire, you’re gonna GTFO.
12. no but HOW
You know what, just clear your head. Just go outside, go for a run.
13. YOUR LIFE JUST RAN OUT OF TIME.
14. NBD. Instead, just stay inside and run on a treadm— (dies)
15. What to do. You could go outside or *death rattle*
16. Fine, you can just stay inside are you fucking kidding me
17. I don’t know what you should do! Why am I making decisions for you? Just, idk, do stuff.
18. Fine. Avoid stuff and, uh, go online. Check Facebook. Wait, WTF did your roommate just post? *facepalms self to death*
19. You are indignant, so naturally, you tweet your outrage until OOPS DEAD AGAIN THIS WILL NEVER STOP AND YOU ARE SO ANGRY
20. OF COURSE
Take a second. Breathe. You can do this. After all, now it’s your favorite time of day: dinnertime!
21. So you order a soda, aka SUICIDE
22. You won’t be crying over spilled milk (because you’ll be dead)
23. Black licorice = black death
24. lol gluten-free nice try
26. Better eat something before you lose weight and die, duh
27. FYI your immune system fought off that infection just so it could kill you later
28. If everything can kill you, maybe it’s better to just stay inside and be alone — NEVER MIND!
I guess this is your life now.