“I’d hire actors to really f@#k with my co-workers, friends, family, etc.”
“A housekeeper. I f@#king hate housework.”
“I love snoop dogg and his joint roller, he pays someone $40k USD a year just to roll joints for him 35hrs a week.”
“I would buy the distribution rights to all the 80s/90s/2000s TV shows I liked that were never released on DVD or streaming and put them out in HD, mostly so I can watch them.”
“Personal shampooer. I love getting my hair washed.”
“I’m not going to quit my job. I’m going to start speaking my mind until I get fired.”
“World’s largest greenhouse filled with all manner of fruit and veg purely cultivated and propagated for flavor attended to by an army of botanists and gardeners. I’m so sick of the flavorless s@#t in supermarkets.”
“Private Luxury Airship. F@#k the yacht, it can only go where there’s water.”
“A distant, low rumble of thunder every time someone said my name.”
“Someone to clean up after my husky puppy. Also, a husky puppy.”
“I’d have my own personal chef. I love good food but cooking can be a bit of a hassle sometimes. Also if the chef is ordering all the ingredients and cooking all the food it would make it a lot easier to eat healthy and stick to diets.”
“A personal assistant. I really hate going to the post office, grocery shopping, getting my car washed, and filling it up, and other fiddly errands of that nature. If I had the money I’d definitely pay someone else to do that s@#t for me.”
“A librarian. S/he would know my tastes and would seek out books, articles, etc. that would be of interest to me – new releases and classics. They’d just be there waiting as soon as I finished the last one.”
“A town crier to walk around my neighborhood saying “2 o’clock and all’s well!”
“I’m a type one diabetic, I would hire someone to manage my diabetes such as planning my meals, calculating my dose, treating my lows ….I’d pay a person to be my pancreas.”
“I would donate like 50 million to my college to construct a new academic building but they would have to name it something ridiculous e.g. “Jonahvsthewhale Big Penis Research Center.”
“Instead of having a $100k watch, I’d just pay a butler to follow me around and tell me what time it is. Then I’d hand him a crisp twenty. You want to talk about having a timepiece as a status symbol? I got it.”
“Someone to wake me up really nice and gently in the morning. Like turning the lights red, opening the blinds maybe, setting a cup of coffee next to me. And then that same person to tuck me in at night. I can’t think of a better frivolous service.”
“All those subscription box services that look really cool but are ultimately monumental wastes of money. For example, the international snack boxes.”
“I always wanted to live in a blimp. It would be an old-fashioned looking dirigible, like from the 19th century but modern behind all appearance with a balcony and floor section made in plexiglass for the view. Like people living on a boat, but better.”
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She would be my first purchase.
And a face lift....
Turns out I'm a damn ugly for a Debbie.