“It’s hereditary” – me to my dad every time I do something dumb and he calls me out on it.
"My brother once drunkenly called someone a non-essential vitamin."
“You have the communication skills of an alarm clock”
"It’s impossible to underestimate you."
“Your life is so sad I got a charity tax break just from hanging out wit ya”
"You couldn’t pour water out of a boot if the instructions were on the bottom."
"A young woman was being very rude to the restaurant staff so an old lady that overheard her said “ Oh honey, you’re not pretty enough to be acting like that.”"
"Your life is more about regret management than goal achievement, isn’t it?"
"My daughter was going to sing a song in a talent show.
Daughter to son: are you going to be in the talent show too?
Son: no I don’t have a talent.
Daughter: of course you do! Everyone has a talent! Like mine is singing.
Son: no it isn’t.
"My death will be known as collateral damage to this insult."
"One of my favorite backhanded compliments is when someone does something dumb is to tell them “aww, at least you’re pretty”"
"I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce."
"Good old England, throwing out the classics. I once heard someone refer to a coffin in the most spectacular way in a sentence something like “Yer mum looks older than my Nan and she’s in a wooden onesie.”"
"I heard a similar one “you look like your family tree is a ladder”"
“He suffers from a deep and abiding delusion of adequacy.”
“I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.”
“If she was a spice, she’d be flour.”
"A favorite of my dad’s was “of all my little swimmers, how were you the winner?”"
"My 2yo once came up to me, jiggled my belly and said “you’re so bloopy” Thanks kid."