“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.”
“I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic f@#king hatreds.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”
“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so f@#kin’ heroic.”
“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“We’re so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody’s going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven’t learned how to care for one another. We’re gonna save the f@#kin’ planet?”
“And, by the way, there’s nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are f@#ked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin’ great. It’s been here over four billion years. The planet isn’t goin’ anywhere, folks. We are! We’re goin’ away. Pack your sh!t, we’re goin’ away. And we won’t leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we’ll be gone.”
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
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