“How my wife changes the toilet paper roll.”
“I feel tricked, possibly even bamboozled.”
“My fiancé refuses to finish a bottle of Coke before opening another.”
“My closet decided to collapse in the middle of the night.”
“You wait patiently for something to arrive and the mail carrier is so irresponsible that they shove it into a small parcel locker.”
“Let’s use paper straws and wrap them in plastic.”
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Then find one who can adhere to a schedule instead of just cutting (aka re-secting) your time.
"It wouldn't fit on my patio."
Your friend's a d@#k. Is his name Jeff?