"Look I've Heard It's Rough In Australia, But South Africa Hits Different. No Morning Swim Today"
"Lit A Match To Light A Candle On The Toilet. Flew Out Of My Hand And Landed In My Underwear While Burning"
"I simultaneously knocked the candle off the counter in a panic and it shattered all over the floor while my underwear caught fire."
"Yesterday Our Neighbor's 80' Locust Tree Gave Us Some Live Edge Skylights, A Great View Of The Stars, And That Rainforest Cafe Atmosphere That Our Living Room Had Just Always Been Missing"
"In-Laws Invited Us Over For Dinner. It Was A Trap"
"Is It Funnier Knowing That These Are Antidepressants?"
"I Chewed On It Twice Thinking It Was A Clove Of Garlic Before I Made The Horrific Realization It Was A Fingernail"
"I Took Some Aspirin When I Was Tired Really Late At Night. I Realized An Hour Later That What I Took Was Not Aspirin"
"I Think My Attempt At Growing Tomatoes Turn Out Rather Well"
"You Are Not Going To Believe What Happened While You Were Gone"
“I Think I Left A Window Open Last Night, Not Sure”
"My Boss's Secretary Quit This Morning After Delivering Breakfast"
"Slipped In The Shower, Landed On The Toilet"
"In Ten Seconds I'm Going To Discover The Value Of Lifejackets And Renter's Insurance"
"The Diamond In My Ring Fell Out Today. It Came With A 10-Year Workmanship Guarantee. Yesterday Was Our 10th Wedding Anniversary"
"In 2003, A Technician Forgot To Log That He Had Removed 24 Bolts During The Maintenance Of The Noaa-19 Satellite, Causing The Satellite To Fall Over And Costing $135,000,000 In Damages"
"Someone At My Stepdad's Work Put Dry Ice In The Toilet By Mistake"
"My Neighbors Had A Party Last Night. That’s My Trampoline"
"Today’s My Birthday. No One Could Make It Over For Pizza And Games, The Power Went Out And I Twisted My Ankle Because I Couldn’t See Coming Down The Stairs"
"I’m Being Overcharged By Insurance After My Daughter Was Born. This Is The Pile Of Mail I Have To Go Through To Prove They’re Ripping Me Off. Pear For Scale"
"My Toddler And I Walked To The Park. Just To Find That The Whole Playground Has Been Removed"
"Went Down To The Basement To Do Laundry"
"That Time I Went To London And Finally Got To See Big Ben"
"Kids Learned A Couple New Words Today"
"I Now Remember That Yesterday I Wanted A Cool Soda"
"Bottle Of Sweet & Sour Sauce Exploded In My Bag"
"I Think I’m Going To Need A Bigger Bucket"
"I Have Two Outlets In My House That Don't Work. Purchased 2 New Outlets To Replace Them. Turns Out There Are No Wires To Connect Them To"
"Tried To Buzzcut My Hair Because All The Barbers Were Closed, Clipper Called It Quits Halfway Through. 4 Days Until My Amazon One Arrives"
"Ordered A New Chlorinator For The Pool, The Instructions Came On VHS"
"GF And I Have Covid. Heater Went Out, Technician Can't Come Out Due To Quarantine. Decided To Try And Fix It Myself"
"Tripped over a pipe and fell through the ceiling. Does anyone need a handyman?"
"Cars After Freezing Rain In Vladivostok, Russia"
"We Heard Crash In The Middle Of The Night - Though That Was A Thief But It Was This"
"I Did Not Look Closely Enough At That Label"
"“2021 Dad Of The Year” Ladies And Gentlemen. I Told Her To Shower, Instead Of Rinse Her Hair Out, Right After Dying It"
"Somehow Chucked A Dirty Nappy In The Washing Machine This Morning"
"I Forgot The Pepsi Was In The Back Of My Car, And It Was -16 Fahrenheit Night Before Last"
"Amazon Speedy Delivery, Right To Your Living Room"
"So How Is Your Morning Going?"