“Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don’t let Kevin Bacon die.” – Bill Murray
“When people say ‘it’s always the last place you look’. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?” ― Billy Connolly
“A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy, but they prefer to watch you die.” – Conan O’Brien
“I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for those who like country music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” – Bob Newhart
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boss was trying to say? ‘Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.'” – Chris Rock
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.“ – Lily Tomlin
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope
“I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one, but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.” – Margaret Cho
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” – Joan Rivers
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.“ – Kurt Vonnegut
“I’m sure wherever my Dad is, he’s looking down on us. He’s not dead, just very condescending.” – Jack Whitehall
“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.” – Josie Long
“Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.” – George Carlin
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin
“I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages. That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it.” – Adam Sandler
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ― Mindy Kaling
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.“ – Betty White
“Humor is just another defense against the universe.” ― Mel Brooks
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