"Movies based on video games are finally starting to get good because the people who grew up playing them are old enough to be directing, writing and acting in them."
"BMI calculators are useless for people who have lost a limb"
"One frustrating thing about getting older is younger people not getting your references, the upside is them assuming you came up with all those clever one-liners"
"The older you get, the less you care about being cool and that is in its essence what being cool is. The less you care about being cool the cooler you are."
"Minivans have sliding doors so that kids don’t hit other cars"
"Humans have built cities, spaceships, and supercomputers, but we still can’t figure out how to live in peace with one another."
"Being alone in an abandoned building s#cks; thinking you’re alone in an abandoned building is even worse"
"Superbowl ads prove that people don’t hate ads, they only hate them when they are not expecting them, or the ads are uncreative or repetitive"
"Because of probability, it’s possible we’re living the exact same lives as previous selves trillions and trillions of universe’s ago."
"They don’t let you smile in passport photos because they want you to look the same as if you were standing in line at customs for an hour"
"Eating is one of the world’s most expensive subscriptions."
"Humans and cats have practically made an exclusive language between themselves: Cats only meowing at humans, and humans doing the pspss/wswss noise mostly only to cats"
"There will always be an increasing number of people younger than you, and there will always be a diminishing number of people older than you."
"Unicorns are unique only because they are a myth, no one gives a damn about a rhinos three horns."
"It’s safer to be an airport Uber driver since your passengers went thru TSA before getting in"
"Videogames make crouch walking seem effortless"
"The second person in a conga line is always the person who starts it."
"There are many many animals that lay eggs, and for some reason chicken eggs are the only animal eggs that we typically eat."
"Every single day, we listen to more music than most people in history have heard in their whole lives."
"You never hear a place apologizing for only having Coca-Cola products."
"You know you’ve become a truly successful adult when you put your bills on autopay without stressing about if they will go through on pay day"
"Girls in tv shows and movies never have their periods unless it’s a plot point"
"People who buy multiple properties just to resell them are also just scaplers on a grand scale"
"At some point there will be more dead people accounts on the internet than the alive ones."
"Anything that comes from inside of our body, automatically becomes disgusting"
"6-sided dice have 8 corners but 8-sided dice have 6 corners"
"People put their cleans clothes in the same basket they transported them in when they were dirty"
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The only three horned animal is the giraffe.