"You have your entire life to be an idiot. Why not take today off?"
"I’ve always enjoyed “If she were a spice, she’d be flour.”"
“He’s so stupid he could count his balls three times and get three different numbers.”
"I envy people who don’t know you."
"In basic training my training instructor made our formation stop at every tree we passed so the flight f@#kup could exit the formation, salute, and apologize that the tree had to work so hard to produce the oxygen that he wasted."
"Were you the taboo subject in your family?"
"Knowledge has been chasing you, but you have always been faster."
"Telling someone they have “mortgage eyes”: one fixed, one variable"
“You’re not being the person Mr. Rogers knew you could be.”
"If your brain was in a bird, it would fly backwards"
"You’re as sharp as a marble"
"Your @$$ must be jealous of your mouth because of all the sh#t that comes out of it."
"A lady on Facebook once told me I look like Voldemort’s lethargic grandson. I was too in awe to be offended."
“If I ordered a truckload of dumb@$$ and only got you, I would have gotten my monies worth.”
"Used to work in a computer sales retailer and a co worker told a customer “Yeah, that’s an i d 10 t error.” Customer didn’t get it. Idiot…"
"My daughter called her sister a Hairy Yoyo. We aren’t sure what that means but its our goto insult now."
“Wow, i never knew that there were more reasons to get a vasectomy!”
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Yeah. These were all terrible.