"When you pick up a quarter off the ground, you’re making $450/hr for two seconds."
"There’s an extremely small chance that your dryer will finish it’s cycle having perfectly folded your laundry"
"Buying a fire extinguisher is something that you hope is a waste of money"
"The Divorce rate in porn must be unrealistically high based on the amount of stepsiblings."
"Octopi have been observed to be more intelligent than cats/dogs but they lack the cute & fuzzy factor, which keeps them on the restaurant menu."
"People who think there’s nothing after death won’t know if they’re right unless they’re wrong."
"People only care to hear that you’ve been f@#king if you tell them by saying you’re pregnant"
"Everyone has a different number they use when a quantity needs over exaggerating"
"Often the thought of getting fast food is far superior to actually getting it."
"It’s convenient how we ignore that the tops of soda cans are so filthy."
"Most people don’t know you exist and never will."
"We know so much about celebrity breasts but so little about celebrity penises"
"Hogwarts is a place where everyone walks with a gun in their pocket"
"You never really know when your hiccups stopped, you just all of a sudden realize you aren’t hiccupping anymore."
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