"Gyms should have memberships where your fee goes down based on how often you go."
"My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me."
"Nothing is on fire, fire is on things."
"I mostly use my driver’s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive."
"If Google matched people up by their browsing history, it could be the greatest online dating website of all time."
"Someone who says “I’ll be there in 6 minutes” will normally arrive before someone who says “I will be there in 5 minutes”."
"Every time a character dies on a TV show I just feel bad for the actor who pretty much just got fired in front of us."
"At age 25 if a friend tells me they’re pregnant I don’t know whether to say “oh shit!” Or “congratulations!”"
"If cats had wings,they’d still just lay there."
"It’s sad that having real ingredients in food products is a selling point."
"Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire.
"The Swiss must have been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a wine bottle corkscrew on their army knife."
"Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the headstone."
"Sleep should be rolled over. Like “Oh, you got 20 hours of sleep today? Cool man, you don’t need sleep for the next three days.”"
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I understand several of my dog’s barks.