"Your thoughts might actually be in such a personalized, coded shorthand that even if someone COULD read your mind, they wouldn’t understand what the hell you’re thinking."
"Light bulbs were such a good idea that they became the symbol for a good idea."
"A lemon is not naturally occurring. It’s a hybrid developed by crossbreeding a bitter orange and a citron. So life never gave us lemons; we invented them ourselves."
"I hate to spend $6.50 on six pieces of raw chicken but don’t hesitate to spend $5 on one chicken sandwich."
"It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it’s fixed and finally cool, you leave."
"The first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects wore off."
"When you’re sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."
"Given how bad body fluids and human waste smell, our skin has to be really good at blocking smells."
"Your skin looks like a raisin if you’re in the water for too long, but raisins are dried."
"It’s physically impossible to be the world’s most average person because that would make you a record holder, and the average person is not a record holder."
"When you watch a movie, you’re actually just watching an edited recording of a bunch of people doing their jobs at work."
"A dog will never share his food with you, but if you don’t share your food with him, he’ll start questioning your entire relationship."
"Think of any point in history. You had an ancestor living at that point, no matter what."
"A pickle is a salt and vinegar flavored cucumber."
"Finding money in your pocket is receiving a gift from the past self."
"The word ‘either’ has two different pronunciations, and either way is fine."
"No one knows what percentage of $1 bills have been on or in a stripper."
"When banks charge overdrafts, they take money from people who don’t have money."
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