"2005, 2050, and 2500 can all technically count as the mid-2000s."
"Anything that goes wrong at a yogurt company is a culture problem."
"There are probably people thinking they adopted a stray cat, while the actual owners are anxiously waiting for their pet’s return."
"Horrible and terrible are synonyms, but horrific and terrific are antonyms."
"The posted speed limit is the legally accepted maximum limit, but the socially accepted minimum limit."
"4 a.m. is the hour where you’re either up really late or really early."
"You don’t know if the most shameful moment of your life has passed or if it’s coming."
"When you walk into a 7-Eleven you wouldn’t think it’s an $18 billion company."
"We spend the first half of our lives trying to look older and the second half trying to look younger."
"Humans are afraid of being bitten by spiders even though they have more teeth. Spiders are afraid of being stepped on by humans even though they have more legs."
"You never see energetic people drink energy drinks and you never see someone who drinks energy drinks that is energetic."
"A cool thing about getting older is that you hear from your skeleton a lot more."
"Dogs are way more excited about seeing random dogs than we are about seeing other random humans."
"Bone broth is boneless bones."
"Your most annoying/repulsive song you’ve ever heard is on someone’s favorites playlist."
"8 hours of drinking is binge drinking, 8 hours of TV is binge watching, 8 hours of sleep is barely enough."
"Sweatpants were made for physical activity, but wearing them in public makes you seem lazy."
"Bass and vase rhymes with each other, bass and bass does not, and occasionally so does vase and vase."
"Movie theaters aren’t in the movie business, they’re in the popcorn and concessions business."
"Every minute of your day, you have to trust other people not to kill you."
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The Shaggs, "My Pal Foot" is on no one's favorites playlist.