"You aren’t paid according to how hard you work; you are paid according to how hard your employer thinks you are to replace."
"It’s weird to think that nighttime is the natural state of the universe, and that daytime is only caused by a nearby, radiating ball of flame."
"The tallest person in the world has physically experienced being the exact height of every other person in the world at some point."
"People who respond with, ‘That’s not how the world works!’ when told to be nicer by others are the exact reason that that’s not how the world works."
"Watching a graduation ceremony is essentially just sitting through a movie that’s entirely end credits."
"The song ‘In Da Club’ is [now] old enough to get in da club."
"Your thoughts might actually be in such a personalized, coded shorthand that even if someone COULD read your mind, they wouldn’t understand what the hell you’re thinking."
"Light bulbs were such a good idea that they became the symbol for a good idea."
"A lemon is not naturally occurring. It’s a hybrid developed by crossbreeding a bitter orange and a citron. So life never gave us lemons; we invented them ourselves."
"Future actors will have enough childhood footage on the internet that they’ll be able to deepfake their childhood faces on child actors for flashback scenes."
"Security at every level of an airport is absolutely ridiculous. Until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s just, like, take whatever bag you want."
"The first person who inhaled helium must have been so relieved when the effects wore off."
"When you’re sick, the advice you get is to literally do drugs and stay out of school."
"Your skin looks like a raisin if you’re in the water for too long, but raisins are dried."
"Kids in the future will probably be impressed that some watches don’t need to be charged."
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