"Maintain eye contact, even when the cleavage is begging for attention."
"If you see a skid in the toilet you have to pee it off."
"If you ever tie anything down to a trailer, you must then slap it and say “that’ll hold”. Same for roof if the car of hanging out the back."
"No matter your age. A stick is a cool sword."
"…REPLY to Stick Sword:Unless it’s forked, then it’s a gun"
"Always click the tongs before use."
"Wash your hands at least three times between cutting chillies and touching your dick."
"Be a smart arse to your friends to their faces, relentlessly and without pause.
If they’re not there, have their back, and never smack talk ’em."
"Don’t ever let the boy inside of the man die. If the boy dies there will be nothing left."
"You will stare into your own urinal bowl, and your own urinal bowl only. Throughout the process of urination, you can only look directly forward."
"…REPLY to Urinal Rule:
Never compliment a man’s watch while at the urinal. If you do speak, it is into the wall in front of you."
"One must never, EVER roast a friend to try and impress a girl."
"Death before taking more than one trip to bring in all the grocery bags from the car."
"You must deploy the sneeze at maximum volume."
"Silent farts around strangers. Loud farts amongst friends."
"If someone complains that it’s hot you must immediately and without delay respond with, “it’s not the heat that gets you, it’s the humidity.”"
"An unwritten rule of being a man: Always offer to help move heavy furniture, even if you secretly hope they say no."
"…REPLY to Move heavy Furniture:And only take beer as payment."
"If a man encounters another man digging a hole, the first man shall offer either physical labor assistance or engineering support. The number of men working on a single hole shall not be capped."
"This next one’s a bit “un-expected” but f-ck it, IF it ain’t from the heart…"
"Leave one urinal between you and the other guy."
"You are expected to at least once be on meat duty, Expect to be given un-required advice about how to BBQ the meat."
"After a certain age, you should walk slowly with one hand, grabbing the other behind your back.
It is also acceptable to stand in this position while observing something and make general remarks about the situation you’re observing.
“That doesn’t look good….”
“You know what they need to do….”"
"When in doubt,Ask yourself (or answer) any Small to mildly-important DECISION with:“WHAT would Al Bundy DO?”"
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except he one about the tongs... every man already knows that.