"Your parents become less older than you, proportionally, every year after you’re born."
"Saying “you’re quite self-aware” is a unique and fool proof compliment. If they are, they’ll agree. If they’re not, they won’t realize."
"Searching for a new laptop online is forcing your current computer to dig its own grave."
"The vast majority of rules are in place to keep dumb people safe."
"Someone shouting out “I’ll get it” at home is something most younger people don’t know about."
"If you know you’re alone in the middle of the night it’s not really scary. It’s the “what if I’m not alone” that makes it scary."
"You never really hear people talk about DEFCON levels in movies anymore."
"You know you moved on from someone when you delete their pics just to free up storage."
"It’s been a while since movies had zombies come out of their graves."
"Somebody’s mom has probably used you as a bad example for her kids."
"Once you have a Ph.D., every meeting you go to becomes a doctor’s appointment."
"A resume is really just a list of things that people hope they never have to do again."
"You don’t actually wash your hands—they wash each other while you stand there and watch."
"We named other planets in the solar system after gods but named our own planet “dirt.”"
"Watching a graduation ceremony is like sitting through a movie that’s entirely end credits."
"If James Bond is the most famous spy in the world, doesn’t that make him the worst spy?"
"If aliens came to Earth, we would have to explain why we have so many movies of us killing them."
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